Breaking the Dry Spell
I would love to start and end this article by saying, “Don’t overthink it! Just initiate intimacy with your partner and get back in the game!” But I know that it can seem like a daunting thing to jump back into bed after it’s been a while.
On that note, how long is “a while,” anyway? For some, “a while” could mean 3 days. For others, it could mean a couple months. (And these two people marry each other.)
Basically, if you have felt like a long enough time has passed since the last time you were sexually intimate with your partner, and things are now either awkward or tense or causing you to ask “How the heck do I handle this,” then read on to learn how to handle it!
There are many reasons that a couple might experience a “dry spell.”
Stress, distraction, lack of time:
It starts out with a busy week – both of you have other priorities, you’re going to bed late, barely making it through each day, with only a peck on the lips before bed each night. The next weekend you have family obligations the whole time. Then one of you gets sick. Then one of you goes out of town for a work trip. Then, before you know it, it’s been 2 months and you’re like, Oops we haven’t had sex in a long time, how do we handle this!
Relationship issues:
Obviously if there are tiny papercuts or even bigger wounds within the relationship, sex might be affected. You might be avoiding it or perhaps not in the mood if there has been a recent or longstanding lack of connection or trust between you, an unresolved conflict creating sour moods towards each other, financial or parenting disagreements getting in the way, or just your average communication issues leading to intimacy issues.
Medical/physiological issues:
If one or both of you are suffering from either acute or chronic illness, that can put a serious damper on your sex life. Sometimes it just affects your mood, but other times medical issues can actually be debilitating or may limit to the scope of what you can and/or want to do with your body. Sex can get pretty strenuous and physically demanding, so body issues and/or health concerns can have a real impact. In this way, looking out for your health is a loving thing to do for your partner.
Lack of interest/attraction, lower libido, desire discrepancy:
At the beginning of most, if not all, relationships, there is that lovely honeymoon phase where you are full of New Relationship Energy. You want to spend the entire weekend wrapped up in the sheets with your beloved, you could stay in their arms for hours, and nothing smells and looks better than their hair, their lips, their skin! But eventually, the spark shifts into something more stable and subtle. Even if the relationship is in a good place, you might still be fighting against low libido or different intimacy preferences. When one partner prefers a simple cuddle or hug over an evening of passion, things can get confusing, and it can lead to weeks on end without any sexual connection.
No matter the reason, it can be difficult to navigate your way out of “ruts.”
Here are some tips for breaking out of the dry spell, based on the concerns you might have:
“How do I even initiate it after it’s been so long? What if they don’t want to do it?”
Be honest: I always suggest to clients that they “bring it into the room” – Whatever you are thinking or feeling – bring it in! Say that thing outloud: “Hey, I’ve noticed that we haven’t had sex in a while. Can we talk about it?” or “I can see on your face that this is uncomfortable – same! Let’s try to work through it together because it’s worth it.”
Soften your approach: Tap into your vulnerable side and remember that this is not a power struggle between you and your partner. Express how you are feeling, what you would like, and how it would make you feel (i.e., not just to have sex, but to connect sexually and intimately with your partner). Then see where they’re at.
Prepare yourself: Be okay with potential “rejection” (but try not to take it personally and use it as a chance to connect through curiosity).
Change your mindset: In our May Newsletter, sex & relationship therapist Jakuta Ptah wrote about how to redefine initiations as opportunities for connection/play, and the reframe any “rejection” as simply a timing mismatch or invitation to connect in a different way. If you can, try to approach an initiation with gentle curiosity. Start by seeking closeness, maybe some intimate conversation or touch, and go from there.
“What if their body is different now somehow? Do I still know how to make them feel good?”
Take a beginner’s mindset: This is a good time to start fresh and use this “time apart” to your advantage. Maybe you can pretend you’ve never met your partner before, maybe even reignite those first-time butterflies with some exploration. Do they like to be touched here? What about here?
“What if MY body is different now? Will they still find me attractive?”
Give yourself grace: Just like you would your partner. It is normal and acceptable for bodies to change over time. Pay attention more to the pleasure and sensations than any internal thoughts or judgments you might have about yourself or fears of what your partner might be thinking.
“OMG, what if SEX is different now? Have they changed it??”
Relax: You are spiraling. Take some deep breaths. Maybe try to accept that you don’t have all the answers or know all the moves, and realize that you don’t have to! No one is expecting perfection (except for maybe you – in which case, give yourself a permission slip to be your perfectly imperfect self and carry on).
Approach with lightness and curiosity: If there’s a new noise or pain or awkwardness, perhaps acknowledge it together, wide-eyed with delight. “Ope! That was interesting!” and then carry on. Humans are awkward and messy – it’s all okay and even welcome!
So lets break it down. Exactly how does one get back on the horse or even request sex after it’s been a long time?
Do NOT make it a big deal. Rip the bandaid off. Lower the stakes and then lower your underwear.
We tend to prepare for the worst, and sex is something that people can really hype up in their mind. Often, people think that each time they have sex it’s going to be a make-or-break moment for the relationship, like there are incredibly high stakes and if it’s “bad” somehow, then you will never see that person again or you will feel unlovable deep down. So, they worry and plan and fret about all the things that could go wrong, or how they should initiate, or whether they should prep somehow like with lingerie or mood lighting or music (as if the best times aren’t spontaneous and on the living room couch with half of your clothes still on?) – but this only adds to the pressure. Try to remember that the point of sex is not to do it perfectly or achieve orgasm every single time, but to enjoy yourself and to pursue pleasurable intimacy with your partner. That’s it! Can you just aim for pleasure?
Lean into the excitement. Rebrand your nerves from scared to excited.
First-time sex is fun for many reasons: you have never been here before, it’s exciting to discover someone new and be discovered yourself, to delight and be delighted in, to explore new territories, styles, and forms of pleasure with a new soul and body. Sex after a long time, even if it’s not your first time together, can – if you allow it – mimic a similar experience. If you release the fear, intimidation, and judgment that you might be tempted to create, you can find that newness and excitement here too.
After it’s over, communicate! Address the underlying issue so that this doesn’t happen again.
One of the things that probably got you to this place initially was a lack of communication of some sort. Whether you stopped talking about your relational concerns, personal stressors, or about your sexual preferences and needs, take a moment (together) to explore what’s gone unsaid for too long. Couples therapy can help because we can talk about the specific concerns and fears that you have about reconnecting after it’s been some time. We offer an unbiased and nonjudgmental space for you to discuss this sensitive topic while offering tools and homework that you can use to rekindle the fire. But you can get a lot done on your own as well, if you both approach the subject with kindness, vulnerability, honesty, and affection.