Using Fantasy to Inspire and Explore Intimacy
Reader, beware: This might get spooky! Continue scrolling at your own risk. ~haunting laughter rings in the distance~
Some people shiver at the thought of anything beyond “vanilla” sex. (Not that there’s anything wrong with vanilla… it’s a popular flavor for ice cream for a reason!) For some people, once you start dabbling in anything beyond missionary, doggy style, and oral sex, things can get unfamiliar and uncomfortable in a hurry.
And that’s a shame, because sometimes, the spicier the intimacy, the closer it can bring you together.
But to reap the benefits of creativity in the bedroom, you need to learn how to feel safe in the unknown, so today we are exploring how to work different types of fantasy into your sexual repertoire.
Hold onto your partner’s hand and read this eerie guide with one eye closed and one eye half-open as you advance through the levels (listed from least scary to most scary)!
Level 0: Start with safety.
Here are some ground rules to establish so that you can feel as comfortable as possible exploring new territory with your partner:
Communicate, communicate, communicate: Before, during, and after. If you’re nervous, say that. If you need a safe word, decide on one. Express your concerns and be vulnerable, ask your partner not to laugh if that’s what you need, and remember that you are in control of your experience.
Lead with respect: Just because you are stepping out of your comfort zone does not mean that you need to feel embarrassed or disrespected. That’s not what fantasy is about. If something feels particularly tough or vulnerable for you, take a moment to emphasize this to your partner and ask for what you need. (Reassurance? Reciprocity? Cuddles?)
Tread lightly: Remember, gentleness works well with everything new that you try. From your first time trying a new sport or hobby, to your first few dates of a relationship, to adding fantasy in the bedroom. It’s always smart to go slow if you’re nervous! There’s no rush, and there’s no pressure to be perfect at this.
Soften your ego: Remember, who “you” “are” during sex is fluid. (Note: Who you are ALL THE TIME is pretty fluid!) Try not to get trapped in your identity or who you think you should be. This is often what prevents people from coming out of their shell and dropping their guard enough to say and do sexy things. Again, this is all about adding a touch of fantasy and playfulness. Have fun with it!
Level 1: Share your secret fantasies, kinks, and desires.
You can’t know what your partner wants unless they tell you. Set some time aside meant for talking about what you like, don’t like, or are curious about. We’ll get to the ideas in Level 3, but here are some concrete exercises to get the juices flowing:
Fantasy training: Do you know what you like? Do you ever pleasure yourself and let your mind venture into exciting territory like a vision of your partner doing something you’ve always wanted, a sexy memory, an erotic book, a scene from a movie, a fictional romance… If you don’t know what you like, devote some time to thinking about it! What turns you on? Even small things like “veins on hands” or “when they push the hair behind my ear” can spark a little fire. Nothing is “wrong” or “off-limits” here; allow yourself to fantasize!
Simmering: If you struggle to get aroused or excited about sex (I’m looking at you, clients with responsive desire styles), it will be important to get your brain in an erotic mindset (i.e., not thinking about the pan that’s been soaking in the sink for 3 days). Simmering is the act of thinking about sex. Spend some time each day (even just 5 minutes) specifically thinking about sexual content. This could be fantasy training, remembering a sexual interaction, envisioning the act, daydreaming about foreplay, watching a spicy scene in a TV show, etc. Just commit to focusing on sexy things, and see how it starts to open your mind to the idea of sex.
Yes No Maybe list: You can find one online (or ask your therapist to send it to you!) – It’s a list of erotic, sensual, and sexual acts (from innocent to kinky) that you can do either alone or with a partner. Fill this out and compare notes with your partner to see what things you would do, wouldn’t do, or would be curious learning more about. This can be helpful when you really don’t even know what options are out there!
Level 2: Add dirty talk.
Whenever a client expresses discomfort at the thought of dirty talk, or how it feels like a “performance,” I always remind them that sexual interaction is not a normal interaction like you might have in public, in front of colleagues or strangers. Acting “differently” during sex is normal, encouraged, and even necessary. And this might include how you communicate or verbally express yourself. Here are some ideas for making dirty talk easier if you can never think of what to say:
Narrate the experience: Literally just saying what’s happening can be erotic. Toss in some compliments about the way your partner is moving, and you’re golden.
Call your partner names (not in a mean way!): Go for some classics like “baby,” or even “daddy” (whoops, we’re already dipping into Level 4 here), or give your partner a role, like “you sexy/dirty/nasty little ____” and get creative!
Ask for what you want: Think, “give it to me,” “harder,” “just like that,” or simply, “f*ck me”
Go for encouragement: A little “yeah,” “yes,” “right there,” and “you know how to get me so wet/hard” never hurt nobody!
Level 3: Try role play.
Time to dust off those skills from your high school theatre elective. Nah, just kidding; you don’t have to be a good actor to enjoy some role play! Are you convinced that you can’t “act,” or that your partner would make fun of you, or that it would take you out of the moment to pretend to be something you’re not? Respectfully, stop taking yourself (and sex) so seriously! You don’t need skill and technique to excel at role play. You just need to be open to trying something new. Here are some classic themes you can try, but if you need more ideas, I recommend going back up to Level 1 to generate some that are unique to your own preferences:
Power differences: professor/student, boss/employee, officer/prisoner, store clerk/customer… Who are you to each other? Have you been lusting after each other for a while? Does it break a rule to be together? Is it strictly forbidden?? Even better. :)
Storybook: princesses locked up in a castle, witches and wizards casting spells, a hunter coming across a lost damsel in the woods… Dive into fantasy land to get out of your own world a little bit!
Known characters: Use inspiration from pairings that you and your partner are already familiar with if you’re unsure what to do or say. Coming up with your own material can be hard; you already know how Bella and Edward would talk to each other though…
Level 4: Play with kinks.
Before you throw your hands up in fear and run out of the building, lets take a moment to redefine what “kink” means. It does NOT have to mean playing with topics that are taboo or painful. (It certainly can, though.) And having interest in kink is NOT a sign of mental illness or psychopathology. Kink is ultimately a way to explore creativity, play, and freedom, to enjoy self-expression, escape/release, empowerment, and spiritual growth. Here are some examples of kink, but you can definitely explore more on the internet, as kink can mean something different to everyone:
Role play: Surprise! We’ve actually already talked about kink today. It can be as simple as that.
BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. Huge category here, lots to say. Taking charge, letting go of control, giving in to pain, practicing devotion are all elements. Think whips, ties, blindfolds, and commands.
Fetish: This can be about either a specific body part, item of clothing, inanimate object, or something else that causes specific arousal and desire. Try not to stigmatize or judge – our fantasies and kinks don’t necessarily “say” anything about our values as a person; what’s important is allowing the feeling of pleasure and excitement to lead the interaction.
Negotiation: This is referring to the type of discussion you want to have when engaging in kink or power play. It’s so important to talk about limits, boundaries, safe words, and desires. Check in with each other throughout the experience. You could even consider using a contract if it helps you feel safe.
Aftercare: Please remember that safety and consent is always a part of sexual interaction, and especially when dealing with kink. Ask for what you need afterwards. Do you need extra loving words and touch? Do you need cuddles? Do you need to make some ramen and watch the next episode of your show together? Make a plan to attend to your psychological and physical needs after you’re done!
Level 5 and Beyond: Add other people.
~lightning~ ~thunder clap~ ~door slam~ ~banshee scream~
Okay, we’re at the scariest level. Important note: This is one that I don’t recommend every couple explore. “Opening the relationship” is not for everyone, requires a ton of careful consideration, and is not a “fix” for intimacy issues. Additionally, keeping the relationship closed and monogamous is not a “bad” or “prude” thing to do, so if you’re not up for this last level, then the emergency exit is to your left. But… if you’re both up for it… here are some ideas:
Tell your partner about who you’re crushing on: Even just the notion that someone else caught your partner’s eye can be an adrenaline rush. It’s totally normal and natural to have crushes outside of the relationship, even for people who choose to stay monogamous. Chatting about secrets like this can make it feel less taboo and threatening, and I might recommend it. First, strengthen your foundation with discussions about trust, and make sure you agree upon what constitutes “cheating.” But then, if you are able to go to an event where the crush is? And if you’re able to tease your partner (lovingly) about how they get flustered in their crush’s presence?? Game on! The bond strengthens when, even with the existence of an external interest, your sweetheart always returns to your solid relationship.
Consider adding another person into sexy time: Just a one-time event! Threesome, anybody? Maybe a cuckhold situation? Or maybe even as small as a makeout with a third, but then sex is off-limits? Again, you make the rules, but adding a third (or even fourth) person to the mix can add a lot of fun and quench a heavy thirst for fantasy.
Explore the concept of polyamory or open relationship: I can’t say this enough – this one is not for everyone. I hesitate to even put it as the “final boss” on this list because for some people, polyamory is truly just an orientation – they were born that way and feel most drawn to the idea of having more than one romantic or sexual partner. For them, it’s not fantasy, it’s just how they are. But sometimes, we don’t discover who we are until we try it out or at least consider it. So, if you’re curious, I recommend reading The Ethical Slut or listening to the podcast Multiamory. But even if you don’t feel called to this as a long-term choice in your relationship(s), simply having a discussion about what you are or are not drawn to about the idea can deepen your connection and cement your intentions in your relationship.
Okay. ~sigh of relief~ You made it out, only slightly scandalized. Phew!
Note: If all or any of the above sounds like “I could never” or “that’s so immature,” then I, a sex therapist, am curious about that. You are always allowed to have preferences where you don’t want to do certain sexual acts, and I would never tell you to do something that you don’t want to do (nor should anyone else. Consent is, of course, paramount.), but if you are finding yourself shutting down options because “you” couldn’t do them, or because they seem “wrong,” then it might be worth bringing those up in a session!
Remember that “you” have many sides to your personality and identity – with your sexual side being one of those! Additionally, sexual topics are often considered “taboo,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are “wrong.”
Just some food for thought.
Wait… There’s something in this food… It seems to be crawling… Oh god, it’s worms!! Noooooo!
Happy Spooky Szn to you and your loved ones :)