How to Let Go of Resentments in Your Relationship
Psst! Single folks: This is not just for people who are coupled up romantically (because, lucky us, resentment can grow in any type of relationship!), so you can use this advice for friendships, family, coworkers, your neighbor, or your mailman (he knows what he did).
Secondly, when we talk about “letting go” of an issue, I want to be clear: We’re not talking about simply deciding to stop caring or thinking about it, or to be the “bigger person” and move on. The goal is not to avoid the issue by dropping it. I won’t be suggesting that you ignore your feelings. The goal is to recognize what we are hanging onto and why, and then figure out how to address the underlying concern. You’re not feeling resentment for no reason at all – let’s uncover what it is!
What is resentment? That icky feeling when an issue between you and someone else has stuck with you for juuuust a little too long…
Can exist in contexts where you feel unheard, unmet, unappreciated, overlooked, ignored, overworked, misaligned, or unfairly disadvantaged.
Can grow in spaces where conflicts are unresolved, unaddressed, unspoken, dismissed, or misunderstood.
Can cause feelings of anger, disgust, disappointment, sadness, annoyance, contempt, jealousy, and more.
Is usually fostered over time, and starts as a smaller wound that eventually turns into a bigger deal, due to the meaning that we attach to it and the built-up emotions that have not been properly processed.
Might be (unhealthily) expressed through passive-aggressiveness, sarcasm, bitter comments, complaints, defensiveness, avoidance, or name-calling (or worse).
What does resentment sound like?
“You have never once made me coffee in the morning, but I’m always doing little things like that for you.”
“Why do I always have to pick up the kids, and you get to skip car line? You have it so easy, it’s not fair.”
“Sure, I guess I’ll be the one to cook dinner – as usual. You know, you would be absolutely lost without me.”
“You haven’t wanted to have sex with me for a long time, and it makes me want to go find someone who will.”
If you noticed, Number 3 came with a bonus side of contempt! This is common if resentment goes unchecked for too long, and since contempt is one of Gottman & Gottman’s Four Horsemen (aka, relationship killers), you can see how important it is to try to get ahead of resentment before it’s too late.
Another aspect of working through resentment, is that it can be difficult to talk about and therefore fully process to be able to let go. When a client brings up a resentment or qualm they have with their partner, I often hear them use the phrase, “It’s not worth it.” Here’s a fictional example:
Me: Have you mentioned (this painful issue) with them?
Client: Nah, it’s just not worth it.
Me: Why not? What makes it unworthy of mentioning? Isn’t it important?
Client: Well, it’s important to me, but not to them, and I just don’t want to start a fight. It wouldn’t be worth it.
Me: You’d rather stay silent than fight.
Client: Yeah. I can just let it go. I prefer peace to fighting.
Me: Well, I might understand that if you were actually feeling peace about it… but I’m hearing that it actually brings you pain, not peace.
Client: I mean, I guess… but not like deep pain. It’s just like, not ideal, you know? I can ignore it.
Me: Uh huh… Lets go back to this fight you mentioned. What makes you think that it would start a fight if you brought up something that’s important to you?
Client: I don’t know for sure… I just know they’ll get offended. I know they’ll take it wrong and just call me sensitive or I’ll just kill the mood. Sometimes they get mad when I bring up things that bother me.
Me: ~curious eyebrow raise~
Are you sensing anything from this dialogue? Even if you’re not a trained therapist, I wonder if you can hear two issues:
This person has learned that their feelings are an inconvenience to others (and they’ve gotten good at burying their own feelings).
It sounds like their partner may struggle with emotional regulation, communication skills, empathy, and/or resentments of their own.
This is often a recipe for issues getting swept under the rug, which can lead to years of built-up (say it with me) resentment!
So, now that we know what can lead to resentment, and why it’s not good for a relationship, what can we do about it?
STEP ONE: WHAT
Identify what you feel resentment about.
Past/previous issue that was never addressed and therefore unresolved
Why would someone not address an issue as it arises? Sometimes people lack the skills or the courage, some people fear being anything besides a people pleaser, some people don’t even know what they want or need and thus can’t communicate it, some people struggle with avoidant attachment, or sometimes you don’t even know that something didn’t sit right with you until it’s in the past.
Past/previous issue that was improperly addressed and therefore unresolved
Even if it was mentioned previously, sometimes people simply lack the skills for effectively repairing a rupture. Repair requires honesty, talking about uncomfortable things, feeling uncomfortable emotions, nervous system capacity, the literal time it takes to repair, and willingness to own their part in the dynamic. It’s not easy to get it right every time.
Current/continuing/new issue that has not yet been addressed and therefore unresolved
Maybe you’ve just started to notice that something bothers you, or it’s not a great time for a hard conversation, or you haven’t quite figured out why you’re so bothered by it, or you’re questioning your safety in the relationship, or maybe you’re just not ready to change the dynamic of the relationship with a big ole talk about your feelings. You might find yourself creating some distance because you don’t want to actually talk about the thing between you, but it’s important to step in before it festers beyond control.
Completely fictional event that never happened but you’re mad about and is therefore unresolved
Okay, they cheated on you in a dream. How dare they! I get it. That’s brutal. You are allowed 5 minutes of fuming and some solid side eye, but then you do have to let this one go.
STEP TWO: WHY
Why did/does it hurt? And what feeling(s) did/does it cause? What story are you telling yourself about the person or event?
Get to the root of the matter to find the underlying concern. It’s never about the dishwasher or the trash cans. It’s usually about something deeper, like:
The meaning about ourselves that we’ve attached to that person’s behavior
What someone’s behavior meant to us about them
Not feeling understood
The need for a different type of apology than the one you received
An older or different wound/event that the issue reminds you of
A hard-to-look-at belief that you have about yourself or your relationship
The knowing that nothing will ever change about this dynamic
Get real about what’s really bothering you. The trope, “and how does that make you feel” is a classic for a reason: It’s important to identify how something makes you feel so that you can then take the next step of asking yourself WHY it makes you feel like that. You might benefit from the help of a therapist (or often a really good friend) who can help you see the situation objectively. The point is to be honest with yourself, let your feelings matter, and bravely face the core of the issue so that you have something to discuss that you feel is “worth” talking about.
STEP THREE: WHO
Determine whether this is something that could be processed with the person it involves or if it’s something that should be self-processed.
Self:
You won’t always have the option to process the resentment with the person you feel it towards, like if they are dangerous to interact with, if you are estranged from them, or if they are deceased. It can be a painful realization to come to terms with the fact that you have to find closure on your own or that you can’t speak your mind freely to the person who lives rent-free in your mind. Find someone that you CAN process safely with (perhaps a therapist!), with the goal of connecting, releasing, and understanding the way you feel, as well as learning tools for coping with pain.
Sometimes, like in the fictional dialogue earlier, you can get a sense of whether the person you are having issues with has the capacity for difficult conversations… They might not, and it’s important to prioritize your safety, but you might benefit from connecting with couple’s therapist who can teach you/them tools for difficult conversations.
With The Other Person:
Hopefully though, you are able to communicate with the person that you feel resentment towards. In healthy relationships, your partner will want to resolve the issue with you. Just as it’s not fun to feel resentment towards someone, it’s also not fun to feel someone else’s resentment towards you, so while it might not be the most fun thing to talk about difficult subjects, people who care about you might be more willing than you’d think.
STEP FOUR: REPAIR
If you can communicate your emotions and needs to your partner in a productive way, they are much more likely to be able to show up for you in a way that won’t cause resentment in the future.
Remember that it doesn’t have to be a perfect conversation. The point is to express yourself clearly, interrupt the pattern, and repair the rupture. Here are some tips for healthy expression:
Be mindful of your emotional capacity, and where your partner is emotionally as well.
Breathe and stay grounded in your physical environment if you start to get heated.
Try to explain your perspective, not to win an argument.
Use I-statements to express your feelings. They really work! But watch out, they aren’t just any sentence that starts with “I.”
“I feel hurt when you xyz” is an example of a helpful I-statement.
“I feel like you’re a forgetful jerk” is NOT a helpful I-statement. :)
Check for comprehension. Are you hearing each other clearly? Do you feel understood?
Brainstorm, what can you both do to make sure that this type of resentment doesn’t start to grow again?
End with some co-regulation and reminders of the good that exists between you.
Unfortunately, there are people who will run from a confrontational conversation (even if it’s healthy), but hopefully the people in your life will be willing to clear away the Old so that you can better connect over the New.
Wishing you all a prosperous and resentment-free 2026!