Interdependence in Relationships: Balancing Autonomy and Togetherness
I think we all know at least one couple who spends every second of their lives together. They’re inseparable. Practically merged into one person. Everything is “We” did this; “We” think that. Movies often romanticize the idea of a being a close-knit couple who does everything together, so perhaps this screams “Goals!” to you.
Or perhaps you’re on the other end of the spectrum. Maybe your face is crinkled up at the idea of spending more time together and becoming closer to your partner. “Doing everything together all the time?? That’s too much!” you think. “Space!” you shout. “I’m my own person!!” you protest.
There is, of course, a third possibility. One where you are both close to your partner and separate from them at the same time. Together much of the time, but also autonomous. Closely connected, but with personal agency. If you are wondering how to find a balance between the two, this article is for you.
Two Pillars, Standing Tall
Something I talk about with every couple that I work with is the idea of differentiation. This is the process of defining yourself outside of your relationship, and separating your experience from your partner’s experience.
Differentiation often looks like…
Having separate, distinct opinions from your partner
Being able to regulate your own emotions, separate from your partner’s emotions
Being able to tolerate your partner having their own emotions outside of yours
Spending time apart to focus on your individual needs, interests, and thoughts
Answering questions for yourself instead of defaulting to “we…” all the time
Valuing your ability to have a full life outside of your partnership
Don’t think of differentiation as distancing yourself from your partner though. Think of it as strengthening your own self outside of your relationship. A relationship needs to be comprised of two distinct entities in order to function (or more than two, but for this article we will focus on a dyadic relationship). I often describe it as two strong pillars (you and your partner) holding up the relationship.
If you can strengthen your own sense of self, not only will your relationship have a firmer foundation, but you as an individual will be better equipped to withstand the challenges that relationships can throw at you, such as disagreements, disappointment, jealousy, mistakes, difference of opinion, hurt feelings, etc. In other words, your relationship is really only as strong as each partner.
Building a Healthy Relationship
Of course, the point of a relationship is not to exist completely on your own. You are more than just a sole, decorative pillar. ;) As you strengthen your sense of self, you will find that you have more to bring to a relationship. You no longer need to be dependent on your partner for as many things. Or conversely, you no longer need to distance yourself from your partner. You learn to appreciate what your partner brings to the table, and vice versa. You learn to communicate your needs. You let the relationship breathe. Suddenly, the relationship is mutual, respectful, collaborative. This healthy coexistence is called “interdependence.”
Interdependence often looks like…
Making an intentional effort to show up for each other in the way you both need
Doing things together because it brings you joy, not because you feel obligated
Knowing the difference between your emotions and your partner’s emotions
Authentically answering your partner (either yes or no) when they make a request
Ability to ask your partner for something and not taking it personally if they can’t fulfill it
Maintaining your own individuality and personality when you’re around each other (and apart)
Taking turns, having less expectations of each other, showing gratitude, noticing small things
The Healthiest Balance?
There are many reasons that some couples spend more time together/apart than others, or that some people prefer more time with/without their partners than others. This comes down to individual aspects of personality and psychology, such as: how you were raised, what you value, how you receive and process energy, confidence, attachment style, your style of socializing, your idea of “fun,” your career, your goals in life, etc.
If you fall more on the “completely independent from each other” end of the spectrum, you might struggle with hyperindependence, trust issues, fear of intimacy, poor time management, communication skills, avoidant/disorganized attachment, or unprocessed relational trauma history.
If you fall more on the other end, say, codependent, or dependent on the other, you might struggle with fear of abandonment, self-trust, self-esteem, anxious attachment, or (same as above) unprocessed relational trauma.
However, there isn’t really a “correct” way to show up in a relationship, and nothing is ever a “problem” until your partner has a problem with it (e.g., you both could be extremely happy spending a lot of time away from each other). As with most things in life, moderation is key. It’s a spectrum and a true balancing act between individuality and closeness. Autonomy and togetherness. I and we.
All people need connection. The question is just how much?
It really comes down to this: Do you know what your partner needs? If you have different preferences than your partner, does the relationship have an atmosphere of healthy communication where you can share your desire for autonomy vs. togetherness? What does that conversation feel like? Does everyone leave feeling cared for, or do one partner’s needs always seem to “matter” more than the other person’s needs? What does compromise feel like in your relationship? And are you able to fill each other’s cups?
I recommend that you get really solid in your own sense of self first (therapy can help with this!), and then allow your relationship to add to your fulfillment, rather than seeking fulfillment through a relationship. After that, as long as you and your partner are being intentional with the way you spend your time, and making space for the other person to exist as an individual, then go ahead, be like that happy couple in the movies! Spend all your time together! Just make sure that you are also able to function as two separate people, and you should be fine.